I’ve been kind of talking to people about my issues and a lot of them suggested I just kind of started writing it out. So, respectively, I’m not really writing any of these for people to read through thoroughly otherwise I’ll be like “B’AWWW YOU DON’T LOVE ME!”
If I wanted to do that, I’d be doing it on my other account. 90% of my journals on this account now belong to the blog thingy unless otherwise specified.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, PLEASE, ALL OF MY GOD DAMN WATCHERS ON HERE COULD YOU PLEEEEEEEASE MOVE YOUR ATTENTION TO MY OTHER ACCOUNT, GETCITYWATER!?
ICON RIGHT HERE. CLICK IT: 
So no, this is just really a blog where, since I don’t really talk to people up front, I can distill my thoughts so they’re not causing havoc all up in my brain.
Read if you want.
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Ugh…why am I always so pissed off? I mean lately things have been…relatively good to be honest. I’ve got this retarded tension though. So, I cut myself a few days ago. Not even CUT. Like…SCRATCHED. Because my sister had this mental break down that I got caught in the middle of and I felt like I needed to be you know, punished. Disciplined I guess, from what she said. Just made me think.
So I cut myself, parents find out, and its like “Ok we’ll find you a therapist”
Fucking brother-in-law got CALLED BY MY THERAPIST TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT, DID NOT ANSWER, DID NOT CALL BACK.
WHAT. THE HELL.
Now, he’s all “GHAAAGHRGHRRG YOU NEED HELP FFF” But instead of calling a God damned therapist or something he fucking grounds me. WHY. I mean YEAAAH OK what I did was bad and every fucking thing but I’m not about to say “ok so let me cut off contact with you and the rest of your life except your family who is currently really pissed at you and all upset and displaced from what you did.” GHjsfkjerfjrweiofusdjkwe.
I mean yeah lookit me I’m on the computer. That’s ALSO pissing me off, he’s like “OK YOU’RE GROUNDED HURR”
…From what?
For how long?
And he’s like not even attempting to enforce it really. I’m not COMPLAINING about that per se` but it’s putting on pressure. I’m just like “What the fawk am I supposed to be doing God damn it.”
ANYWAAAAAAAAY!
But yeah I do have this overwhelming sense of guilt like constantly gnawing at my inner psyche. Feh. My little nephew’s like 7 years old and he doesn’t really have any friends outside of school. Ironically, in school, he’s getting into a lot of trouble for talking to everyone. But nonetheless, for some reason he thinks I’m the cat’s fuckin’ pajamas and always wants to play with me.
I SERIOUSLY only WANT to play with him 1 out of 10 times he asks. I mean it’s not even like a “Guhh, fine, we’ll play.” I get like BRUTALLY angry. Not at him, just at…the idea. I get fucking ANGRY.
Idk why! It’s weird. I mean I love him to death, he’s sweet, adorable, and just a really fucking good kid, you know?
I’ve always liked playing by myself though, from childhood. I was kind of arrogant and thought everyone elses’ ideas of playing was stupid and mine were awesome.
And obviously that lead to disagreements so I just kind of ended up playing by myself. Like, kinetically. Video games or board games or whatever I’m like “Woo-hoo let’s do it fgt!” I’m really weird.
Like I said, I can’t seem to find a life that agrees with my imagination.
So that’s like the main source of my guilt, because a few weeks ago I decided to FINALLY REVEAL to my sister that I had secretly been ‘dating’ Toby for 5 months. Which, uh, was PRETTY MUCH the source of her mental break down. Like she freaked the fuck out. Not that I was with him, she was like “ok, your life.” But that I was hiding it from her. I only did that because she didn’t want me to go out with Toby but …I mean it just kind of HAPPENED. And when it did it was amazing, I really don’t regret a thing. But then it ended and I was still guilty for hiding it so I told her and you know shit got fucked.
Anyway again
Speaking of Toby, though, I want to talk about him. Only PART of me is still pissed off about the entire thing. Because again,…Not like this is um…Well, I don’t ACCEPT or WANT this fact, but its just like, “Here we have this hormonally charged teenage boy. During the summer he sees this girl, and only this girl, and for a while other girls are merely figmints of his imagination and he can’t actually have them. So the girl he can see, he loves like no other. Relies on. Depends on. Needs. Then school comes and suddenly this flood gate of beautiful and smart women present themselves right in front of the boys face. Suddenly that toy he was playing with all summer becomes obsolete and he wants a new one to play with.”
That’s pretty much the concept of what happened. Only it didn’t happen with me, and trust me, I was surrounded by just as many, if not more, boys who wanted whatever they could from me. Sex. Love. Whatever it was. I never took it and I still don’t take it because I’m still really kindof crazy about Toby.
AND HERE’S WHERE WE REACH THE EXPOSITION!
I’M crazy as hell about him. I really miss…Not even the physical part (which was great. Granted a bit awkward because we’re stupid but great nonetheless), but just…
I LOVED being able to comfortably tell him how amazing he is, how beautiful he is, how sexy he is. I was mad about being up late on the phone with him, the way he looked and smiled at me, the way he THOUGHT ABOUT ME. I read that! I felt how he felt and my God it was like you had taken the bark of the Giving Tree and let me warm my entire body with a fire built from that bark.
And then it just…stopped. Almost overnight. The flare just evaporated out of no where, HIS did, mine didn’t. And now, because we’re still close friends, I’m just dying to tell him these wonderful things and ask him of these wonderful things we could do together that would be PERFECT for us if he still liked me.
But whenever I think of saying it, now the only feeling I get from him is “Oooook there’s that weird chubby ex-girlfriend of mine buttering me up again. Again. Again. Uuuugh, no one cares.”
Not as harsh, but around that trail. FIWrhfiwedliwelhfrieuhfuq.
But the teeter-totter here tilts more toward satisfaction than not! :3 I’m still really glad he’s a friend of mine, let alone my best. And he is one of the sweetest, cutest and just loveable guys a girl will ever get to know. Our time was well spent.
To be honest, I’m more shitfaced about Tim. STILL!
And when I say shit faced I mean SHIT FUCKING FACED. I’m delusional about him.
I see him nearly every day, but, deliberately. You THINK I’d be not wanting to see the likes of him or his ‘stache ever ever again. But for some reason I almost masochistically find somewhere, some place he’s at just so I can get a fleeting glimpse of him. And it hurts! It hurts like the motherfucking fist of the north star! Why do I do it?
It’s like my deepest, inner conscious still believes we’re together. Some demented and pathetic part of me waits for him by the door EVERY MORNING, knowing 110% he’ll just pass by without acknowledging my existence, but hoping with every cell in my puny little body that Cupid fucking shanks him in the ass, he turns around figuratively hypnotized, runs over to me and wants to by my boyfriend again like nothing ever happened.
I still dream about it, think about it…Hell I even still fucking say his name while masturbating half of the time. OH AND PLUS
What freaks me out more than anything is WHEN I’m masturbating, I can get off to TWO things, and two things only.
1. If I think about things involving this awkward fetish I don’t want to talk about
Or
2. Sex with Tim.
That’s IT. He’s the ONLY GUY that I can think about having sex with who will actually get me off and he always has been. Before I met him, I couldn’t picture myself with ANYONE and have an orgasm, it just didn’t happen. But put me in a bed with the Hero of Time and bam you’ve got me rushing headlong into ecstasy.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyythatsgay.
So yeah! And keep in mind, BOTH of these two significant motherfuckers, I’m pretty much…Emotionally over. Tim and Toby. Themselves, I’m like “ehhhhhhhhhhh yeah.”
But…remembering what happened. It’s the memories I have of them that I’m in love with. Now? If I ended up dating Tim it would be DISASTROUS. Oh my GOD it would be death on a stick. A pointy, firey stick. But just…remembering what happened.
I never knew I could feel that way. There were days when I would be in Tim’s bed, just laying there. Without him, he was off doing something in the kitchen maybe. But I would be in his bed with nothing going on, and I would be fucking
shuddering from the amount of joy that was crashing into my system second by second. Shaking. Something about him and his austere and his aura and his everything just…he could breathe on iron and melt it to the thinnest liquid you could sift over your fingers. This is how amazing he was.
Was. Was was was. He’s NOW a rather cold-hearted young man who really has no sense of what love is as long as it doesn’t pertain to his friends. Loves them to death, always has. And sure his hormones are mad and, given the opportunity, he’d screw whatever girl presented herself to him.
But not even the slightest sense of caring for the opposite sex in that way rests on his conscious. Not one little bit.
Before, I mean…he wasn’t familiar with the idea but when he was with me it was like “Holy fucking shit, is THIS what I’ve been looking for?”
Those are his words actually. It was great for him. We both know that and we’ve both said it. Its like a chapter in a book that made everyone cry and laugh and jump up and down and that chapter was burned to cinders and that was the only copy of the book in the world.
We can talk about what happened but can never read it again.
Oi…Usually I just like to be delusional and pretend I’m his girlfriend fror like 30 seconds just to get that rush. Because it’s a fucking incredible rush. Knowing that I was his was the single best thought to ever cradle itself in my mind.
Then I tend to get sad and remember “He left you and it’s your fault.”
Too clingy…didn’t give him any space. A lot of people want to perceive him now as this guy who really wanted nothing to do with me but that’s not true. I obviously didn’t think I was being that clingy but maybe I was. Who knows? All I know is I was TRYING not to be. I possibly failed. There’s really no right or wrong answer to that question.
…And Toby. Fucking Toby. Now, this is something weird I want to discuss. When Tim and I were dating, Toby and I had this BORDERLINE platonic thing going on. I mean literally the things we were doing were only considered “NOT WRONG” In places like fucking France. Nothing physical. Or TOO physical.
The fact is I was pretty much 1/4th cheating on Tim, which is cheating all in all. As it went, 30% of my love went to Toby, the rest went to Tim. And Tim was happy as a lamb. He had no idea what was happening.
…He found out about what we were doing. And…I still think he is so fucking honorable to forgive me THAT instant. I will never be able to thank him enough for that. Because if the situation was reversed, I would have tortured him about it. I would be struck down and fucking pissed. He was saddened, and I mean SADDENED, but forgave me…To this day I don’t think I deserved that from him.
But obviously, things weren’t the same after that. For two reasons.
1. There was always just that little idea in the back of his head. He forgave me, but he didn’t forget. ANY reasonable man would have that pricking at them in the slightest.
2. …Now, I was giving none of my love to Toby and all of it to Tim. My theory was that it was too much. I mean after that mistake, I VOWED to be the most dedicated woman to Tim. And this was my first time doing it. I’m a tiny little whore, I ALWAYS had to have two places for my love to go.
Kyra and Jeff. Jordan and Jeff. Heather and Mike. Mike and Seth. Seth and James.
…I always had to have another.
And apparently that’s why. Once I decided that I was going to be the best girlfriend EVER to Tim, it ended up backfiring and I just fucking…It became too much.
So it’s my fault, respectively. People can argue that he could’ve done better, and sure he could’ve, but all in all, I’m really the one to blame first over anything else.
SO FEH.
And now I’m just lonely. Not too bad. I willingly gave up relationships for a while. They don’t lead anywhere. And I hate wasting my time. But one thing I realized about that was that like…The things in between? The kissing and cuddling? The FEELING good in that moment?
Eh…I do miss that. I’d really like someone to cuddle with me and call me beautiful under starlight. But someone who MEANS it, and that’s the clause.
People can do it or say it all they want. If I don’t think you mean it, then…You don’t. That’s how it goes. Even if you say you do, you don’t.
I only really felt it was true from Tim, Toby, Heather, and Kyra. Broke up with all four of them, but I’ve heard it from others and while they MEAN it, it’s just…like a statement. Like “The sky is blue.” It doesn’t have that…that kind of IMPACT like the other four did it. And they all said it the same way and did it pretty much the same way. There was just this fire in their voice when they did, and this pulse in their arms when they did.
…Sigh.
I’m fine though! XD That’s one of the things I’m really proud of about myself, is that I can recover really quickly. Quicker than I should be able to. It takes me a few minutes of struggling but I always get right back up and keep walking. Sometimes it takes me longer than others.
But I can do it. It’s one of the few things I’m actually REALLY proud of myself for. I’m not really proud of much else.
But there you have it. My thoughts. As of lately.
…Wow I do feel a lot better actually. Oo;
-XI
You guys are amazing.
Wow!
-b
retty depressed about it. He loves nature and life and I want to help him, but…He’s TOO caring. I know that sounds awful but he’s going to be miserable if he doesn’t accept that life is circular and not linear.
